Høng-Crewet
40k jokes. vil opdateres naar jeg finder flere.
The Emperor appears in a vision to Mephisto, Ragnar Blackmane and Marneus Calgar, and says that he can answer any one question about the future accurately for each of them.
So Mephisto asks him when the Blood Angels will finally be able to fix the Black Rage, and Emperor tells him in the three hundredth year of the 43rd millennium. Mephisto burst into tears, as he knows he´s never going to live that long.
So Ragnar Blackmane comes up, and asks the emperor when Leman Russ will return to the Chapter for the Wolftime, and the Emperor tells him that Russ will be back by the year 503 in the 45th millennium. Ragnar busts into tears as he also realizes that he will never live that long.
Then Marneus Calgar asks the Emperor when the Imperium will be free of corruption and run in an efficient and fair manner.
At which point, the Emperor burst into tears.
So Mephisto asks him when the Blood Angels will finally be able to fix the Black Rage, and Emperor tells him in the three hundredth year of the 43rd millennium. Mephisto burst into tears, as he knows he´s never going to live that long.
So Ragnar Blackmane comes up, and asks the emperor when Leman Russ will return to the Chapter for the Wolftime, and the Emperor tells him that Russ will be back by the year 503 in the 45th millennium. Ragnar busts into tears as he also realizes that he will never live that long.
Then Marneus Calgar asks the Emperor when the Imperium will be free of corruption and run in an efficient and fair manner.
At which point, the Emperor burst into tears.
Det er fordi, at kejseren ikke vil indrømme, at det først sker, når han overgiver sin plads til Marneus Calgar :)
Jeg følger op med endnu en 40k joke:
Three passengers of a forsaken ship have crashlanded onto a Kroot world; being a Space Marine, a Tau and an Imperial Guardsman. They soon get surrounded and captured by the local Kroot and brought to their king. He looks at them and says with a threatening voice:
"If you don´t want to be torn apart by the sharp teeth of my kinsmen, go to the jungle and come back with two fruits!"
The three of them silently make their way to the jungle, obeying the Kroot King´s order.
The Space Marine returns first, having a grape and a strawberry in his hand. he brings them to the King and the Kroot responds: "Now stick this into your backside and if you laugh, you are minced meat!". The other Kroot sneer and jeer the Astartes.
The Space Marine takes off his helmet, looks at the King and laughs at the ridiculous task. With a tremendous blow of his Krootrifle, the King smashes his head.
Soon after the Kroot have "cleared" his mortal remains, the Tau Shas´la arrives, knowing nothing that had transpired; an apple and a pear in his hands. Again, the king repeats his words and the Firewarrior grits his teeth to get out alive. But just as he´s about to pick the pear he starts to laugh hysterically, tears flowing down his eyes.
Angry as never before, the Kroot King smashes his head with his Krootrifle as well.
As the two meet in the Eye of Terror, the Firewarrior asks the Space Marine: "What happened? Why did you laugh?"
"I´ve killed a hundred bloodthirstly Orks on Miskal Prime and a hundred more on Armageddon, but never in my service to the Emperor have I been asked to do such a ridiculous task!!", the Astartes answers. "And you, alien? What was wrong with you?"
"The apple was no problem, but then the Guardsman came round the corner with an ananas and a watermelon..."
Jeg følger op med endnu en 40k joke:
Three passengers of a forsaken ship have crashlanded onto a Kroot world; being a Space Marine, a Tau and an Imperial Guardsman. They soon get surrounded and captured by the local Kroot and brought to their king. He looks at them and says with a threatening voice:
"If you don´t want to be torn apart by the sharp teeth of my kinsmen, go to the jungle and come back with two fruits!"
The three of them silently make their way to the jungle, obeying the Kroot King´s order.
The Space Marine returns first, having a grape and a strawberry in his hand. he brings them to the King and the Kroot responds: "Now stick this into your backside and if you laugh, you are minced meat!". The other Kroot sneer and jeer the Astartes.
The Space Marine takes off his helmet, looks at the King and laughs at the ridiculous task. With a tremendous blow of his Krootrifle, the King smashes his head.
Soon after the Kroot have "cleared" his mortal remains, the Tau Shas´la arrives, knowing nothing that had transpired; an apple and a pear in his hands. Again, the king repeats his words and the Firewarrior grits his teeth to get out alive. But just as he´s about to pick the pear he starts to laugh hysterically, tears flowing down his eyes.
Angry as never before, the Kroot King smashes his head with his Krootrifle as well.
As the two meet in the Eye of Terror, the Firewarrior asks the Space Marine: "What happened? Why did you laugh?"
"I´ve killed a hundred bloodthirstly Orks on Miskal Prime and a hundred more on Armageddon, but never in my service to the Emperor have I been asked to do such a ridiculous task!!", the Astartes answers. "And you, alien? What was wrong with you?"
"The apple was no problem, but then the Guardsman came round the corner with an ananas and a watermelon..."
The orks were fighting the Ultrasmurfs. The Ork boss called up one of his soldiers and told him to start burying mines. So the ork went out into the field and dug a small hole, he activated the mine, put it into the hole, covered it with some dirt and stamped it down.
-NEXT!
-NEXT!
Why do Necron warriors make great messanger?
They´ll be back before you notice.
They´ll be back before you notice.
How many Slaaneshi marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2, but don´t ask how they got in there.
Only 2, but don´t ask how they got in there.
After months of training and surgery, a new batch of Space Wolf Neophytes are almost ready to be given the black Carapace and join the Blood Claws. They´re all lined up, and an old Wolf Priest brings out a short, fat syringe and address them. "Listen up boys. I know there are a lot of jokes and rumors about the canis gene, and how we deal with it, but all kidding aside, there is one thing we must do before you can become full Space Wolves. Its time to give you all your rabies shot."
One of the neophytes nervously raises his hand, and asks, "but sir, isn´t the rabies shot usually a long thin needle?"
"Well, sure, if you want to prevent rabies!"
One of the neophytes nervously raises his hand, and asks, "but sir, isn´t the rabies shot usually a long thin needle?"
"Well, sure, if you want to prevent rabies!"
A Catachan colonel was being briefed on a covert mission.
The general informed him of the extensive AA coverage and radar sweeps. "Your Valkyries will have to fly 200 feet to avoid detection and you´ll jump half a click from the target."
The colonel shook his head. "The Valkyries will have to fly at 100 feet."
Confused, the general said, "At 100 feet the gravchutes may not have time to kick in."
The colonel perked up. "Oh, we get gravchutes?"
The general informed him of the extensive AA coverage and radar sweeps. "Your Valkyries will have to fly 200 feet to avoid detection and you´ll jump half a click from the target."
The colonel shook his head. "The Valkyries will have to fly at 100 feet."
Confused, the general said, "At 100 feet the gravchutes may not have time to kick in."
The colonel perked up. "Oh, we get gravchutes?"
A young Blood Claw of the Space Wolves is captured by Chaos forces, but they have already sacrificed every Imperial guardsman they needed to, so they decide to laugh a little. They tell him that if he succeeds in three trials, he will be free to go. The first trial consists of drinking a whole barrel of denatured alcohol, but they don´t know that the young one is from Fenris, where they pee far away from the bonfires cause its flammable. He downs it in one go and asks for another one. Finally, he burps and asks for the other two trials.
The Chaos Champion, a little pissed off says... "In the next trial, you will have to kill with your bare hands a Carnifex that lives in that cave, and in the last one, you will have to make love to a Sister of Battle maiden till she faints."
They took the Blood Claw to the cave. Some minutes after he disappears into the darkness, some horrible screams start coming out of it. Finally, they stop. Everybody in the front of the cave think the Space Wolf is dead when suddenly, the bloodcurdling howls start again even louder and then stop. Its like this for some time, with so terribly loud noises, that some of the heretics had to pass a morale check to avoid fleeing.
Finally the Space Wolf appears, puffs, and says...
"For Russ! It was hard to make it faint... Now, where the hell is that maiden I have to kill with my bare hands?"
The Chaos Champion, a little pissed off says... "In the next trial, you will have to kill with your bare hands a Carnifex that lives in that cave, and in the last one, you will have to make love to a Sister of Battle maiden till she faints."
They took the Blood Claw to the cave. Some minutes after he disappears into the darkness, some horrible screams start coming out of it. Finally, they stop. Everybody in the front of the cave think the Space Wolf is dead when suddenly, the bloodcurdling howls start again even louder and then stop. Its like this for some time, with so terribly loud noises, that some of the heretics had to pass a morale check to avoid fleeing.
Finally the Space Wolf appears, puffs, and says...
"For Russ! It was hard to make it faint... Now, where the hell is that maiden I have to kill with my bare hands?"